Fall has been a haze of colour to me: all I seem to remember is waking to work. I’ve kept God in my thoughts, prayed, been aware of His presence, longed for Him and asked Him questions not at all expecting to be answered (or at least answered the way I’m looking for). On the other hand, I know I have sipped the punch that reality is pouring all around me and I’ve started to submit myself to the world, selling my soul for the buck the world has told me it’s worth. I come home every night feeling like something’s taken a bite out of me. Doing this life routine goes against what I’ve always thought I was, however, there is some reason for it even though I cannot distinguish what that may be. Instead of being more alert to the present, I have opted for soothing one-hit fixes that keep me fogged from the present internal-struggle that I face moment-to-moment. And, for better or for worse, I have found these vices to be the most humbling aspect of my faith. The need to get ‘high’ and then to overdose fills my soul with regret, guilt, self-shame and acceptance of the fact that I literally have no control over my life and that my perception of what I thought I wanted may not be what I want at all. I’m not completely a pessimist but the reason why these negative feelings are important to those with faith are to remind ourselves that we’re not God. Such a simple revelation but an important one. I have always lived my life believing that I was God’s gift to man-kind. I remember being about 6 years-old and thinking that I was the only person in the world to feel pain and happiness (in effect, to be a real human-being) and that everyone else was a robot. When I fall as a simple human-being, I begin to realize that I’m in the same boat as everyone else and that we are all humans with different ways of coping with emptiness. I don’t know if I’ll ever manage being completely humble and loving of people whose priorities and insecurities are laughable but it’s when I fall south of perfection myself that I realize I need some grace and, perhaps, should be giving of it as well.
Life is bigger and smaller than we think it is. We shouldn’t be taking everything so seriously yet we should be aware of how important everything is; life is a fine-lined paradox of caring and not giving a damn. And because of this, I am thankful for my weaknesses, my vices and my inefficiencies because it keeps my head from floating too high and grounded to the human I am.